Love Beyond the Fairytale: Lessons from the First Year of Marriage
Love. It is a four-letter word with a great deal of meaning. If you’re anything like me, I’ve always dreamed that one day I’d find my prince who I’d ride off into the sunset with. Sounds like a fairytale doesn’t it?
To paint an unrealistic picture, my thoughts of my prince charming and I were filled with nothing but happiness. No wrongs. No mistakes. No sadness. No anger. Perfect and magical. Funny how childhood movies can shape unrealistic and unhealthy thoughts about romance.
During my childhood, I did not have a great example of marriage growing up, especially not based on God’s word. While my parents did what they could with the knowledge and resources they had available, I knew deep down that their marriage was not what I wanted for my future. What’s a girl to do when she doesn’t have an example to follow? As far as I was concerned, I could create my own reality. I was driven by naivety and selfishness in my desire for marriage.
I lived with those thoughts for the majority of my life, so they were engrained in me for decades. I’m only 26 by the way. My husband and I were married in a beautiful ceremony, but life after the ceremony was a journey I never imagined.
When my husband and I began facing challenges during our first year of marriage, it felt as though a huge red flag had been raised. We all fall short, and that will be evident in our relationships. What I experienced as a child led me to try my hardest to avoid anything that brought back those memories.
Though I’ve only been married for a year and a half, I’ve learned so much thus far. Through my marriage, God has shown me not only his love for me but also how to love my husband and how he should love me.
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 NLT.
During year one, my first revelation from God was his love exhibited through my husband. Marriage is a top-tier gift from God. It’s a gift that represents and displays Christ’s love for the church, as he loves it. The love of Christ is unconditional. It is accompanied by grace and forgiveness. With truth and accountability. With patience and kindness. His love knows no bounds. We are called to this kind of love.
God calls us to such love. He has exemplified and shown me his love firsthand through my husband’s actions. My husband’s display of this kind of love has made me even more aware of God’s love for me. My marriage has grown my ability to better understand the love of Christ. What it means to walk with grace and forgiveness. What it means to walk with patience, accountability, and so on.
Another lesson learned in marriage thus far is that it is not a fairytale. I mean, that should have been obvious right? We live in a society where everything is based on feelings and selfishness. You may have heard the phrase “I just am not feeling it anymore”. Before I continue, I would like to validate that our feelings and emotions are relevant and that God gave them to us for a reason. However, we cannot allow our feelings and emotions to dictate our decisions. When marriage gets tough, and we just aren’t feeling it anymore, that doesn’t mean we give up. Our spouses will fall short and disappoint us, but that doesn’t mean we quit on them.
Marriage is a heart posture of servanthood and a transformation of the word “love” into a verb. It’s a front-row seat to your spouse’s weaknesses and shortcomings. It’s a commitment to their good, okay, and bad days. To serve, give, and honor your spouse requires constant sacrifice and dying to self.
“The Secret to a happy marriage is to serve God and each other.”
The M for marriage also stands for mirror. As I mentioned before, we get a front-row seat to our spouse’s shortcomings. But not just theirs, but ours as well. As we offer grace to one another for our failures, we should then walk toward transformation. Grace is not an invitation to continue walking in your shortcomings. Rather, an invitation to be aware of where you both are, and how you both can walk toward transformation to be better for God and one another.
It was through my marriage that I learned about the pain and hurt I had buried deep within my heart. It was messy and uncomfortable and it was so ingrained in me that it seeped out of me in ways that I didn’t expect. It showed me how unchecked buried heartache that you thought was forgotten can manifest itself in your daily life without you even realizing it.
The reflection in the mirror of marriage that was being held to my face was uncomfortable. It was in that discomfort that an opportunity for growth arose. Growth can only happen when we step outside our comfort zone. As I continue to grow, not only do I partner with God, but I also seek the assistance I need to become better, not only for God but also for my husband.
It is my husband’s grace that has opened the door to transformation. In that decision to not stay where I was, I took the steps needed to get better. I still walk through the steps, constantly doing what I need to do to be a better daughter of Christ, an improved wife to my husband, and an improved version of myself because I cannot pour from an empty cup.
Marriage is a lot of work. Dying to self daily. Servanthood. Uncomfortableness. Growth and transformation. But marriage is also fun and exciting! God has given us an in-house best friend to not only carry out transformational work and present Him but also to build and enjoy a life together as well. I cannot stress enough the importance of never ceasing to date your spouse and enjoying every moment you have together. Growing and transforming will lead to changes in both of you as individuals. Staying connected to your spouse through growth is necessary because who they are now, they won’t be in a few years. Enjoy the seasons as they come.
I’m only a year and a half into my marriage journey but it feels like it’s been longer. I’ve been exposed to and learned so much in such a short period of marriage and it’s just the beginning. As a result of everything we have learned up until now, we have been able to build a foundation that is sturdy and stable for our marriage.
The base of our foundation starts with Christ and everything flows from there. We are laying the bricks with servanthood, grace, transformation, uncomfortableness, unconditional love, etc. If the foundation is not carefully constructed, over time cracks will be exposed and the foundation will crumble. Over time, there will be wear and tear on our foundation because we are humans and will fall short. We will experience cracks, but we will not forget the foundation on which we built and will make the necessary repairs to keep moving forward as we strive to look more like Christ every day.
I’ve read that as of 2023, 30-50% of first-time marriages end in divorce. As a child who comes from divorced parents, I know the firsthand account of pain and turmoil that is caused by divorce. The foundation on which you build can make or break everything. It is crucial not to build our foundation on superficial and fleeting things. There is only one thing that we can build our foundation on, that will always be solid and firm, and that is Christ. Life will bring storms and everything surrounding the foundation of your home may become damaged, but your home and foundation will nonetheless remain due to its solid foundation.
“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.” Luke 6:48 ESV
A few things that have helped my husband and I build our foundation is first my recognizing that we both choose to serve the Lord and have Him be the cornerstone on which we build our life on.
As a couple and individually, we also participate in prayer. Prayer not only offers a way to communicate with God, but it allows us a space to connect spiritually as well. By keeping each other covered in prayer, we are creating a hedge of protection over one another. We also connect spiritually by doing devotionals together. It is a way for us to learn more about Christ and His word. A source we use for devotionals is the Bible App. I’ve listed a few devotional plans below related to marriage and growth.
Bible App Devotional Plans:
Married Couples: Developing Healthy Spiritual Habits
Celebrating Differences in Marriage
The First Few Years of Marriage by Jim Burns & Doug Fields
Kingdom Marriage
Everlasting Love by Vance K. Jackson
The first few years of marriage: 8 ways to strengthen our “I Do”
I also like to recommend counseling, whether for a season or forever. It is not necessary to have a problem to seek counseling. A decent amount of people tend to wait until a crisis to seek it, but you can seek it before. With counseling, you will have access to a non-biased source that will assist you in your growth and transformation. Our friends and family have natural biases, and we as individuals can be blind to ourselves and our ways. Counseling refers to the process by which we seek out the tools necessary to help us grow and be able to handle the storms of life.
Once again, don’t forget to have fun. Take walks. Travel. Try different foods. Have movie nights. Try to create time to go on a date once a week. The date doesn’t have to consist of spending money. Get creative! Continue to create space to keep falling in love with your spouse and falling in love with the person that they are becoming.
All in all, marriage is an honor and a gift from God. It is not without its hardships and challenges. After all, marriage is two broken people coming together to learn, walk, and reflect on the love of God. It’s worth it as you both walk alongside one another to grow into the people that God has called both of you to be. Marriage is not something that happens by chance. It takes work, dedication, and a commitment to each other.
Love. It is a four-letter word with a great deal of meaning. If you’re anything like me, I’ve come to discover the truth about love and what it actually means to be married. So here’s to everyone’s marriage. May God bless your union and continue to do transformative work in your lives. For singles, I encourage you to enjoy your single season and grow with God. For when God’s timing comes, I pray over you and your future spouse that God blesses your union.