Radical Love in Small/Shared Spaces: How to Practice Christian Hospitality Where You Are
November 8, 2016 – A cello, a guitar, and some empty Tupperware accompanied the chorus of voices singing “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” filling our tiny living room with the sound of sincere praise and supplication. In the background, reporters read out election updates, but our minds were fixed on Christ. People sat on stools, our tiny loveseat, and all around the floor, gathered to worship the Lord and submit to His sovereignty over our nation. This was not a gathering of political alignment, cheering on our candidate and asking God’s blessing over our will. Rather, this was a gathering of believers from every spot on the political spectrum, united in our belief in God’s sovereignty and goodness.
Amidst the collective anxiety that characterized the 2016 election, I remember feeling the peace of God that evening. No matter how it turned out, we knew that God was still sovereign, that He was still good, and that His plan would ultimately work all things for our good and His glory, whether or not we understood exactly how.
That moment was one of the first that showed me the power of hospitality as a practice in the believer’s life. I am still grateful to God for orchestrating that apartment and the work he did there, even though I didn’t fully appreciate it until years later, when I first read The Gospel Comes with a Housekey by Rosaria Butterfield. Our little college apartment had given me the practical illustration, but Butterfield’s book gave me the theological grounding to understand why that apartment had been so magical, and why I needed to continue to practice hospitality.
In fact, hospitality isn’t just a wise practice for believers; it’s commanded. In Romans 12:9-13, Paul says:
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Paul’s argument connects the practice of hospitality to the standard of love that believers are held to. Love involves patience, humility, and bearing with one another, but it also involves kindness– material kindness, even to your enemies (Rm. 12:20-21). As believers, we are called both to bless our enemies and to care for our brothers and sisters in Christ. Whether you still live in your parents’ home, a dorm, or a tiny apartment, you can love your neighbors through hospitality.
Before You Invite Guests Over
Your practice of hospitality starts in your home, wherever that may be. Paul says in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This command, of course, extends far past your household, but the best place to start is with those you literally “live with.”
First and foremost, this means doing your part to build an atmosphere of Christlike love in your home. This will probably involve some uncomfortable nudging from the Holy Spirit as you seek to learn where you need to change your habits. For example, one difficult lesson that I had to confront (and am still confronting, honestly) is that my approach to resolving conflict often centered on my need to be “right” rather than a desire for harmony with the other person. Far from showing Christlike love to others, this made it all too easy for me to create conflict rather than living in harmony with others (Rm. 12:16). While I hated seeing that ugly part of myself revealed, the Holy Spirit has been faithfully teaching me to check that tendency and discern when I’m really defending truth and when I am defending my own pride.
You might find that you have a similar habit, or you might find a completely different area for growth. As you do your own reflection, some questions to consider include:
How do those in my home respond to my presence? Do they seem at ease or on edge?
How do I respond to the presence of my housemates? Am I glad to see them, or do I resent sharing my living space with them?
What kinds of communication habits do I have with my housemates? Am I gracious, or am I critical? Am I patient, or am I quick to anger?
How do I approach conflict? Do I use a biblical mindset of restoration, or do I seek to “win”?
Do I take the time to appreciate my housemates, or do I take their contributions for granted?
What do I like about the atmosphere of our home?
What could be improved? What can I do to improve it?
Working to create a healthy emotional climate is the foundation, but it only begins the work of hospitality. The next step is to love others through caring for their material needs.
Food is an easy, accessible starting place. If you live with your parents, you could offer to cook dinner for the household once a week. If you live with roommates, your differing schedules might make a once a week commitment impossible, but you could try once a month. Full-on meals aren’t your only option, either– baking cookies, or even bringing home something you grabbed from the store can all bless your housemates. In a dorm setting, this might be as simple as occasionally bringing your roommate their favorite coffee order as they study for midterms.
Housework is another opportunity to practice hospitality with those you share a home with. At a basic level, this means being a good housemate: doing your share of the housework, doing it in a timely fashion, and doing it well. But, more than just a necessary part of life, housework can become a means of blessing those around you. You can learn which chore your mother really hates doing and quietly take it over. You can note when your roommate seems overwhelmed with their workload and do the dishes, even though it’s their turn. Wherever you can lighten the load for someone, step in and do it.
With a keen eye and ear for what your housemates need and a willingness to offer up your time and resources, you can be hospitable before you’ve even invited a single guest over.
Opening Your Home to Others
If you’re reading this blog post, I’m going to guess you don’t own your own newly renovated six-bedroom home, complete with a beautifully furnished guest bedroom. You may live with your parents, or in a dorm, or in an impossibly tiny apartment that you share with too many roommates. That’s okay! Two of the women whose writings on hospitality have shaped my practice of it, Karen Burton Mains and Rosaria Butterfield, both make a sharp distinction between entertaining and hospitality: entertaining is about impressing your guests with your beautifully decorated home and cleverly planned evening itinerary. Hospitality is about loving your neighbor by meeting their needs. Done right, your pride is left out of the equation; you can love your neighbor when you’re all sitting on the floor just as well as you can in a color-coordinated living room.
When my husband and I moved into our most recent home, we initially bemoaned how limited we would be in our hospitality. A 500-square-foot casita in the backyard of an isolated acre lot seemed like the antithesis of our dream home, one idealized for hospitality.
However, God is faithful, and he has honored our commitment to hospitality in unexpected ways. We have hosted overnight guests on several occasions, provided a workspace for a friend from out of town, and brought together new friends at bonfires in our yard.
Even if your space and resources are extremely limited, you can open your home to others. The suggestions in this section are mostly geared toward hosting overnight guests because that is where I have found the greatest need for creativity as my husband and I have dealt with various unconventional living situations, but the general principles apply to any situation where you want to welcome others into your home.
“WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I MOVED INTO OUR MOST RECENT HOME, WE INITIALLY BEMOANED HOW LIMITED WE WOULD BE IN OUR HOSPITALITY. A 500 SQUARE FOOT CASITA IN THE BACKYARD OF AN ISOLATED ACRE LOT SEEMED LIKE THE ANTITHESIS OF OUR DREAM HOME, ONE IDEALIZED FOR HOSPITALITY.”
It doesn’t hurt to offer– It can be tempting to stay silent when someone needs a place, but you feel like your space isn’t up to scratch. However, you may find that people surprise you. The first time we offered someone the use of our tiny home, we weren’t even there. A friend who was in town needed a dog-friendly place to work for the day. Our house was a mess. We had just left on an unexpected trip, leaving our house in a state of mild chaos. I desperately didn’t want our friend to see our house in that state. What would he think of us? However, I knew that one of the core values of our household was to practice hospitality, so I offered up the space anyway. He ended up spending the day working remotely from our couch, even with the pile of undone dishes in the kitchen sink. Don’t let your pride stop you from obeying God’s command.
It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask– For the first year of our marriage, my husband and I lived with an older married couple in one of their spare bedrooms. When two of our friends were moving away, they needed a place to stay for two nights after their lease ended and before they left for their new home. We asked the homeowners if our friends could stay in the other spare room, and they graciously said yes. You may not be in a home with a spare room, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still ask to share your space. A person who is truly needing somewhere to stay will likely be as grateful for couch or floor space as they would for a spare room.
Be Prepared– While you may not have a whole bedroom to devote to guests, that doesn’t mean that you cannot prepare well for them. I recommend keeping at least one extra blanket, pillow, and towel; both a USB-C and a lightning cable phone charger; and some way of creating a sleeping space (this can be a sleeping bag, an air mattress, or sheets to put over a couch).
Outside Your Home
Your home is the starting place for practicing hospitality but not the sole venue. One of my favorite quotes from *The Gospel Comes with a Housekey* says:
In radically ordinary hospitality, host and guest are interchangeable. If you come to my house for dinner and notice that I am still teaching a math lesson to a child, and my laundry remains on the dining room table unfolded, you roll up your sleeves and fold my laundry. Or set the table. Or feed the dogs. Radically ordinary hospitality means that hosts are not embarrassed to receive help, and guests know their help is needed. A family of God gathering daily together needs each and every person. Host and guest are permeable roles. (12)
The practice of hospitality includes both the role of host and guest, and as described above, those roles are more fluid than rigid, meaning you can love your neighbors just as well as a guest in their home as you can when they’re in your home.
This side of hospitality includes bringing food as part of a meal train and discerning when it’s best to stay and keep the recipients’ company vs. when it’s best to drop off food and leave them be. It includes visiting your friend who has just had a baby and cleaning her house, or helping your friend pack up their belongings for a move.
Whenever you are able to join people in their lives and provide material care, regardless of the venue, you are practicing hospitality.
Expand Your Neighborhood
The command to love your neighbor (Mk.12:30-31) starts in your home and expands to those in your geographical and social circles, but it should also expand to those who are often left out of their surrounding communities. James 1:27 says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” In the world of the New Testament church, widows and orphans were among the people most likely to be excluded from both the local community and left without resources. Today, we can obey this command by caring for those on the margins of our local community. If you are fortunate, your church has ministries to the surrounding community that you can get involved in. But, if they don’t (yet), invite a few friends to join you and explore one of the options below!
Refugees and Immigrants– Depending on your skills and schedule, you can help by teaching citizenship or ESL classes, providing support for job and home searches, and providing physical resources like furniture and school supplies. Organizations like the International Rescue Committee are a great place to start.
Foster Youth– Just because you can’t be a foster parent doesn’t mean you cannot support youth in the foster system. If you’re old enough, becoming a Court Appointed Special Advocate is a great way to support vulnerable youth. You can also connect with foster families from your church and offer to babysit, tutor, or whatever else they may need help with!
Practicing hospitality is just one aspect of obeying Jesus’s command to love your neighbor as yourself, but it’s a great place to start, regardless of where you live. God will honor your obedience to his commands by giving you opportunities, and it’s okay to start small! Try out one of the ideas in this post, or modify one to fit your situation.